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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.