Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm