retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
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Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Well, this is awkward
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
