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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
What do you hear?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded