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I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Ah yes. The three genders
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If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:![]()
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
i wish i could marry a nap