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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock