Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
