Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.