You Might Also Like
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.