Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

sure, why not

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.