Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

This could be us, but you weedin’.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

🤣🤣

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.