Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Let’s Go
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.