Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
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me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
ready to be harvested
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.