Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
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It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.