Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that