Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

Is fructose made with real fruct?

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.