Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
always be there
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.