Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*