Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
You Might Also Like
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless