Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.