Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass