Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m Sold!
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The funk soul brother
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
