Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
You Might Also Like
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Me driving through Toronto
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Priorities
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?