Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Happy weekend !
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Cake safety first. Always.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”