Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.