Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.