Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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why isn’t he texting back
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
checking out some reviews of my local library
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?