Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
#CoronaOutbreak
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.