Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
