Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
You Might Also Like
my proudest tweet
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
by any beans necessary
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat