Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My circle of trust is a meatball
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry