Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is