Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
LOOOOOOL
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Sell your car
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day