Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

(Jupiter –

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.