Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

S/o to @funTweeters .

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.