[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably