[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Festive toon…
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.