Revenge served cold
You Might Also Like
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.