Revenge served cold
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
This is no longer winter this is harassment
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
You don’t even know
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside