Revenge served cold
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
this is the kind of friend i am
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2