Revenge served cold
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When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.