Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

welp