Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
This makes total sense…
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob