Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*