Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Can Happiness buy money?

money maker

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.