Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Candles never taste the way they smell

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

🇺🇸🤭