Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?