Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
23. the denim jacket
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Friday
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
at ease…shoulder.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.