Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?