Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.