Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

mom gave me mine for free

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money