Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.