Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.