Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.