reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
How I like cutting carbs
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone