reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Saturday
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.