Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
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Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
bags with threatening auras
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?