Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.