Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no