Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.