Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Hotels are back
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.