Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

Thank heavens for community notes

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM