Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

wow he looks just like him

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.