Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.