Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

O Wise One….

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.