Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

it must be school picture day

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.