Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

everyone has that one prude friend

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

BETRAYAL

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom