[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.