[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
one of
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.