Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Batman v Dracula
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
They must have gotten it to go.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles