Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
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Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants