Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless