Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Growing up was a huge mistake

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.