Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
◾️
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you