Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Miscakes

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.