Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I think I’ll stand
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.