Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

Made something I’m not proud of

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.