Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”