Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?