Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?