Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name